yea I know I said I had a date tonight but as of last night I don't.
the guy just rubbed me the wrong way in conversation and I saw no point in getting to know him further.
I'm picky like that.
I feeling very strange. things that I can normally shrug off I can't seem to. and things that normally devastate me and bring me to tears have no effect. everything is backwards.
what I need is a Sara day. where we get dressed up all trashy with as much skin exposed as possible go to Sinn not there anymore le sigh sip drinks, dance, and make out with cute boys in the dark. almost every night ended with extreme giggling even when everything else in my life was horribly wrong. it just seemed like then anything was possible. right now it doesn't seem like anything is possible. my life is getting better than it was then, I know it is but I don't feel hopeful. Back then I felt like I could walk into a room and I owned it. even if not one head turned I still owned the whole damn place and I could do whatever I wanted. I don't have that feeling anymore. yes this what you would call a lack of confidence. now what?
crash burn crash burn everything I touch crash burn crash burn........ that's how it feels. it's not true that's not how it is at all things are working out, moving up, the sky is mother fucking clearing and I know it with my brain but my heart doesn't see things quite the same way and I can't figure out why.
I won't even utter out loud what I want to do. it would be stupid, to give it form. because I won't do it. I shouldn't do, and I can't do it. even if I want to. besides it wouldn't work out how I'd imagine anyway. it never does.
for now all I can do is smile nod and react and figure out what I'm gonna do next.
I should be doing a dance of joy and things straighten out but my feet are tired.