I do not have the finesse nor the patience that other people seem to need from me right now.
I cried at work today. like fell apart. God I hate my job. like Dr. Evil I'm surrounded by frickin idiots. I get to the point where i want to rip out my hair and scream. well today I gave into the urge. my mother would be so proud.
things have been... well bad. I don't know. they've been bad for awhile, unfortunatly putting your head in the sand and pretending that things are not bad doesn't seem to make things good either. I'm just more and more snappish and irritable with people. I want to sleep all the time. and when I eat I feel sick to my stomach, thank God I'm not losing weight. the fall out of that would be tremendous. going and playing social butterfly made it easier to deal with the fact that I'm just not very happy. stay busy you can't be sad.
too many big changes and I'm confused. there are friends and family and bills and boys and my future and my past and i can't make sense of any of it. it's like starting to read a novel in the middle and expecting it to make sense. I'm not who I was before. I don't know who I am now. I'm falling into old patterns and they don't work. it's not comforting to make the same mistakes. my past comes back to bite me in the ass only I've travelled so far from point A to point B the past looks different and I'm not sure if I recognize my place in it. am I remebering it all wrong? I don't know things are just so blurry. does forgetting mean you're moving on?
I don't know anymore.
I'm on over load. breakdown. scary thing is things have been worse so why now. things have to get better I don't know how to make them better but the must get better.