I'm feelin a little roller coastery today... it's the middle of the afternoon and I'm still in pjs.... I was so happy to see Becky yesterday and we had such a good time. I just wish that super joyful "I could squeal" feeling had lasted a little longer.
but now I'm bad home with my messy bedroom and laundry that needs to be done with an empty inbox feeling..... lonely.
no matter what I do things between "he" and I are done. I can feel it. he hasn't talked to me in weeks now... since the 5th to be exact..... and I don't think he is going to talk to me. it's done and runined and there isn't a whole lot I can do about it except sit here and think about it and complain about it and if anyone thinks that I shouldn't be thinking about it or complaining about they can just shove it cause this is my diary and they don't have to read it if they don't want to. I tried pretty hard not to talk about him.... and it's not like my whole world revolves around him because it doesn't I have other things to be bitter about like my family and work, he's just my favorite thing to be bitter about. because I want him quite badly, he represents some sort of new phase in my life to me.... I'm just going to have to figure out a way to start a new phase without him because he's not coming around. Cause guess what.... he just plain doesn't care. he can say he likes me until he's blue in the face and he can proclaim his interest in me all he wants but he hasn't shown me a damn thing. and I wasn't patient enough or easy going enough.... or just plain enough for it to work.
I have this boy who likes me an awful lot that if maybe I was better person I could be happy with maybe I don't know.... and then I have thi other boy who strings me along and ignores me for long periods of time and which one do I want... not the that adores me.... nope...... how fucked up am I?
what's wrong with me? this is ridiculous. I'm mad at myself. why the fuck should it matter wether he likes me or not? why does it matter so much? I shouldn't care. this is absolutely stupid. I'm being like a melodramtic 16 year old girl the world is ending because a boy isn't talking to me.... come on. The world will go on without him around and someone else will break my heart who knows maybe even as soon as next month..... oh well I have some old emails to look over cause I enjoy torturing myself.....
on semi related 'someone broke my heart' note..... was near Eric's neighborhood last night. Almost went to drive by his apartment but decided that was stupid and didn't..... that one still stings but I have to think really hard to remember exactly what he looks like. I wonder what that means.
"There's room to believe.
out of sight.
out of mind.
out of reach.
start over,
start over
is no way to begin."