I don't know where I am right now.
my brain space is a mess and I just keep making it more complicated.
I suddenly became in demand and I'm not sure how to handle it. I should be wanting a relationship, I think. But most of the time I start to date and I just find it to be such a hassle.
There are all these variables.
Guy who keeps leaving. I was all about him and now, well I don't know what he wants from me and I really just don't have the energy to bother to play the game. I don't know if he'll cal me when he egts back. When he left I was worried about this and now I just don't care. I almost hope he doesn't. Not because I don't like him but because it would make it all easier. It would be flattering because he's very interesting and attractive but...... there is a but in there somewhere and I can't exactly figure out what it is. The whole thing with him has become a "but". Maybe it's just because he's a lot of work.
I have a date with a fireman on Saturday. We have nice phone conversations but he says "bummer" a lot and all I can think of is water on the brain surfer. I'm getting too picky, perhaps.
There is another guy that I really like talking to, he has a wicked sense of humor but every time he hints at taking me out I back away. I don't know why. I'm going with my instincts at this point and will not make a descion on that one until he actually comes out and asks me out.
Congressional intern has been hinting when he gets back from grad school he wants to spend time with me in a date sense. I haven't been on a date with him in years so that could be fun.
and then there is this other one.... last one I swear. Friend of a friend, went dancing once in a group and there was flirtation. Saw him last night at the friend's house. Part of me was motivated to go last night because he would be there and I wanted another look. I was not dissapointed. I can't really get a read on interest there and I don't know if I want to because you shouldn't date your friend's friends, in my book at least because if it goes bad you have a whole bucket of crap to deal with in social situations. I think, hell I don't even know if I did or not but I think I had a mack truck sized gap to make some sort of pass last night and I didn't do it. I kicked myself a little afterwards but I made the smart choice. Not the fun choice, because that open door to flirtation has got that edge of excitement to it.
After the whole JB mess I don't even know which way is up and what I want from the opposite sex anymore. I should just leave them alone but it's so much fun kissing and stuff.
out of all those boys one dominated my free brain activity time and of course it was the one I should put into the friends bin. fuck, I can not figure out the attraction in the one. everything says bad choice. Not about him as a person just because he's friends with my friend, he's in this transitional state, I was warned that he's not a dating guy..... not sure what that meant. But all I know is I had to work really hard at not looking at him a lot. We happened to be parked by each other and walked out the same way. All I could think was "Say something, hit on me damnit!" he didn't. He gave me an opening I think but well I let it pass because I wasn't sure if it was an opening or not and making a fool of myself just yet is not an option.
why do I make things so rough for myself?