slightly more coherant now that I've slept a little.
some of those things swirling in my head earlier are begging to be addressed so buckle in cause here we go!
first off... went shopping on Sat with D and some others so D could spend her birthday gift certs..... I saw this hilarious thing that made me think back to a conversation yankeebelle and I had a few weeks back. it was "hottie wash" or somehting like that and on the label it had a thing about repelling dorks, geeks, and other loser types......
also on the same vein I so need to stop crushing on boys so completely out of my reach. there is a guy in the band we saw the other night that vince knows that is completely hot. I actually may have to fight off some of the other girls for him...... not that I would ever really make any sorta of play for him because you want to talk about out of reach. it's just that we have nothing in common...... I can't even explain it properly. this isn't like a low self esteem thing for me. it's just a fact that the bridge here is completely unspannable hence why I wouldn't ask Vince for an introduction even though I made a bunch of jokes about it.
my mom made a mention that I think about what other people think too much, well that and I just plain think too much. and it's fairly true in a twisted way. most any other girl would just think "cute guy..... should try to wrangle an intro." me I start thinking... "we have nothing in common. he would just think I'm some lame white girl like the girls who go to their shows and have no idea what they are talking about." and that's pretty true I don't really know what they are talking about. I mean I grew up in the same area sorta and my step dad is chicano, latino, mexican whatever you want to call it, but the whole political side of it I'm not familar with I've never been involved in it. I'm not out there fighting for the rights of migrant workers or anything.....
that and my Spanish sucks....
oh well he's still nice to look at and quite an amazing musician...... (see where my priorities are.... nice to look at THEN amazing muscian.... I'm such a lame girl about these things sometimes)
the other thing on my mind is what the hell am I going to do? D says when I grow up (that could be decades from now folks.) it's obvious I should be a writer but I don't know. I don't think I'm all that proficent at it. (this journal doesn't count, it's just me blathering about nothing)
I have ideas and stuff but it never goes anywhere. I like the idea of being a writer but I just don't think I'm cut out for it. I don't think i'm cut out for much of anything but a dead end job like the one I have. it's not that I'm not smart enough, I just don't have the drive for anything. no staying power with me..... I never finish anything.... that was actually a pretty funny conversation with D. she was argueing that I do finish things....
"like the painting the hotwheels." then I reminded her they were for a picture frame that was suppose to a be a shadowbox thing...... yea never finished it. she brought up hanging her blinds..... which I hung half of because the other one was the wrong side for the window.
it's not like I don't have things that have happened to me that I couldn't make something out of I just don't know how to put it all together in a way to make someone want to read it. I can tell funny stories but when I go to write them down it's just doesn't translate and I get frustrated and I give up. she's not the first person to tell me that I should be a writer...... but I always come up against the same wall. I start things and people like them but I never finish them.... I don't know.
also a side note.... I put together some pieces today and came up with this blinding piece of information..... when a guy tells you "You're really funny." it means he doesn't want to date you. Just like to you want to rent a video means you wanna either have sex or at least get naked depended on what kind of girl you are. most of my "amicable" break ups end with "You're really funny." guys always say they want a girl with a sense of humor, but I don't think they do...... either that or there is something else weird about me. possibly the second.....
usually when something doesn't work out no one can put their finger on exactly why it is they don't like me that way. eiher that or they just don't want to tell me "hey you're a bitch," or "You're not pretty enough" or whatever....... blah.
I told someone today.... really right now I'm just enjoying the scenery and not trying to meet anyone. I don't know where I'll be in six months so why even bother. I get all lonely sometimes but this dating buisness is really not working out. I'm way better off just not going there......