I was reatrded last night. My brain was completely elsewhere... it did a leave a nice note though..."Gone Crazy, be back soon."
went to the movies with D and Vince to see Harry Potter. I was late, couldn't find parking. my cell died before I could call. didn't have time to validate the parking I did get..... so the parking guy is hitting on me and I'm blowing him off to get D's attention because I also didn't have time to go to the ATM to get enough cash.
I was feeling fairly unfit for company so I just went home afterwards.... well actually it went something like this....
I drove aimlessly for awhile, sort of heading towards home. When in doubt drive. I lived in this area so long that every part of San Diego has some sort of landmark attached to it. I'm starting to think it would be interesting to get a map of Greater San Diego County and just put thumbtacks on it.... all the places I've lived, where my family lives, where I went to school, where my friends are, where I met people, where important things have happened, places I've been dumped, and places I've worked. That would be a hell of a lot of thumbtacks. I ended up somewhere in Del Mar last night. a place I used to know pretty well, but I haven't been out there in years.... Things have changed drastically, I couldn't find my way around at all. Not that I had some specific place that I was going.
Today I'm scared. I know what I have to do but I'm sort of putting it off. I know I know.... bad idea. I need to get some things together, take a shower, do some research and hit the streets. It's past time to rush out and meet the great outdoors. 10am is creeping up on me like a pair of ill fitting underwear and I'm liking it about as much as I like having a wedgie.... which is to say, not very much at all.
you can think about things and think about things and it doesn't mean you have one single answer for any of it. A load of theories and not a damn concrete notion. I wonder if this is what it's like to be some brilliant person that deals in quantum physics..... you can ponder the meaning and nature of black holes and space until the cows come home but you can never really truely prove that you are right or wrong. No wonder those science people are freaks. Living with all that uncertainty everyday.....
some people like to take things apat to see how they work, sometimes I think I would like to take people apart to see how they work. Not their bodies but their minds. peeling actions and reactions apart and tracing them back to events and situations.
I don't know why people do things. I honestly have no clue. Again theories, but nothing completely concrete. because people lie. to each other, to themselves. I wonder which is harder... to make yourself believe something or to make someone else believe something. A definate toss up depending on the person and the nature of lies I suppose. Does lying to one's self cause you to lie to other people? Can you have completely untrue images of who you are and still be true to those around you?
I'm constantly surprising myself with who I am turning out to be. Not always the best surprises but some of them are quite pleasant.
everything happens for a reason. I don't want my old life back. I wonder how many people could say the same thing and it be true. Some people profess that but they still cling to the things that have left them behind, still cling to the things that they left behind. Maybe they are just checking up to see that they really did make the right choice. To see if things really are better in the world they chose or the world that was chosen for them. I can not say. I haven't forgotten because then what would be the point of it all happening at all? But I guess I'm not stewing in it as much. There is something to be said for me living my life without someone else holding me up, it's scary and tough but what you want to hear isn't always what you need to hear and some people just don't understand that and possibly they never will. I've come to think that it just holds you back. Or maybe it just holds me back, there were a lot of people in the past with the best intentions of boosting me up and I appreciate what they were trying to do, but I didn't know anything about myself then which means they certainly couldn't know anything about me either. A lot of times in the beautiful technicolor of 20/20 hindsight, I think it was more of a hinderance than a help. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.... or so they say. I would like to think that the road to hell is paved with the corpses of my enemies. Oddly enough I don't have that many enemies (in my opinion) so the road would have to be short or maybe the corpses could be put in a blender for maximum spreading capabilities.
I know someone out there is going to take that the wrong way. *Sigh* try to be funny and someone gets the wrong idea. ain't that life? my only disclaimer on that is who people think my enemies are probably aren't the right ones. call it the new and improved Pie (meatier and flakier than ever... well maybe not meatier.... losing weight. again. you know if my metabolism could be bottled and sold America would be fairly thin) I just don't care about the things I used to. Doesn't mean I want to be left in a room with certain people, or that I want anything to do with them but I just have better things to do with my time than to plot their demise or really give a flying fuck about their demise. Karma is a bitch kiddies.... trust me on that one I've seen both sides.
Wow because this became a ramble, a short recap.
retarded. antisocial. scared. procrastinating (only a little). grateful. soapbox!. deattched. hungry. oh and the big one.... GONE!