I don't normally drink coffee, but what else was I suppose to have with coffee cake?
so now I just have the urge to run my mouth off about nothing in general.
I watched Grosse Pointe Blank again. It's been awhile since I had seen it. I had that scary relating moment.... the whole high school reunion thing.... not the being a hired killer thing.
It brings up a lot of questions. Are the successful people really all that successful? are the happy people really all that happy? are we truely destined to forever fit into the mold we made for ourselves when we were 16-17-18 and completely lacked serious desicion making skills? Are we forvere going to be the people we tried to carve ourselves out to be in our early 20's? Do we even want to be these people?
I, of course, in no way have answers to any of this. And to be perfectly honest I'm not sure that I want answers. I think I enjoy pursuing the answers far more than actually having them.
Do I think I'm happy?
Relatively so.
Am I fulfilled?
Not exactly.
Will I ever be?
Probably not.
Is that OK?
You betcha.
I like to muse over these things on occasion. I think sometimes over the life I could have had. What if I had gotten married and had babies and taken that route? Not that it's not still an optional route in life. It's just maybe not what I want right now and I fear that by the time I really want it, it'll be too late. but that's another mental conversation with myself.
I have found recently the despite everything I have always said..... I like babies. This does not mean I really want one, but I like them well enough. A couple of people at work have kids, one of them being my favorite little guy. He's about 8 months old and drools buckets..... he's just about the sweetest thing I've ever seen in my life. I actually babysat him on a couple of occasions and for moments I thought to myself "I might have been good at this." But never alone. I have to admire people like my mother and the boss lady who did it all by themselves, I don't think I'm that strong. Though oddly enough they've both raised their girls to be strong, independant women, who don't need anyone. Though C (boss lady's daughter) and I couldn't be more different. Sometimes the teaching takes sometimes it doesn't.
Boss Lady actually asked me once "Is that you really don't want to get married and have kids or is that you just don't think it will happen?"
Both I guess. Not exactly a straight answer. I'm scared of the whole she-bang. What if I marry someone, have a baby, and figure out that I don't really love him. Then what? I know it happens all the time, but my life as I know it would cease and change into something else and there is just enough about me that is selfish enough that I'm just not sure I could do it. Children are beautiful things, but I'm quite content with my life. I come and go as I please I have no one to answer to but myself. I am completely open to working whenever I need to go. I can be with my friends whenever I please. I sleep when I want to sleep (and when the dog next door lets me). I know that I could give all that up if I had to, and probably be happy about it, but I don't think I really want to.
Someone once talked to me about the "the fog". How they could only see so far into their future. In college the fog was about 3 days out, beyond three days from that day was a complete mystery. A little older it became 6 months, or a year, or two years..... I think I always hated the question what will you be doing ten years from now because I've had the "the fog" and no name for it. Going back to the baby thing, as much as I loved/love JB oh so complicated those emotions I've always had a hard time seeing us really commited to each other. Living together was always maybe at the edge of the fog, but marriage and children.... so deep into the fog no headlights could even penetrate. It was just so beyond who we were. I couldn't fathom us making a home together or him putting a baby in a car seat and taking him or her to the park. I actually think he might be a good dad with someone who is more willing to accept the limitations he puts on himself. But I am not that person and I expect the very best out of him and really will not settle for less though I often try to talk the both of us into it.
And so there is really is, it's me. I could have a mrriage and babies maybe if I found someone that was as up to the challenge to doing it in that crazy balanced harmonious, perfect way I imagine it. That same thing I've been drilling into JB's brain "perfect doesn't exist" comes back to bite me in my own ass. He and I are just looking for perfection in different places. he wants it served up from the start and I want it perfectly working at being perfect.
I'm really not sure who is being unrealistic here. Mr. B&B told me boys are sensitive and fragile souls. Mostly I just want to tell all the boys out there. Tough up you sissies, life is an uncomfortable and bumpy ride.