I went to check my other email address my old one, my pre public enemy number one address. looking for email from Becky (yea kid I got nothin from ya.)
and there was an email from my step-mom entitled "read this!" my stomach automatically made giagantic knots and I felt like I wanted to puke. but I read it. I've been avoiding them for monthes, but I knew I should read. so I did. it basically said they didn't understand why I wouldn't get into contact with them which I can understand how they would feel that way I guess because they just don't get it. when I had that run of bad luck for awhile they never offered to help me, they basically treated it like it was all my fault my car was stolen and my apartment was broken into. I knew I could never turn to them for help. all they ever used to say when they would find out something bad happened way after the fact was "oh you should have called we would have helped you" and then when I did actually call it was always well we don't have any money and we can't help you because you know everything is so expensive. all I heard all my life was how much it cost them to pay my mom child support, and how my mom wanted too much money from them. as if somehow because he had divorced my mother and got himself this brand new family that he no longer had to help with me. That I was this burden on their family because my mom didn't run out and get remarried. it just makes me so angry.
I feel like a selfish little brat saying "well he's never done anything for me, so why should I keep in contact with him." as if money is the only way a person can be a parent. but honestly he's never had any pull on my life. I don't think about him the way I think about my mom. I actually think what my mother would think when I make descions. she raised me he didn't he had no input on my life, but I still feel guilty like I'm a bad child for not wanting to talk to him, but I just don't. I could live without ever seeing him again I think.
the one thing my dad does pay for now is my car insurance after alot of fighting with my mom about it. that was the other thing in the email that they won't be paying it anymore come July. and that they know I'm not in school right now and they're disapointed but that it's "my life." damn fuckin skippy it's my life.
ugh I'm just so upset. I'm gonna have to call mom tomorrow and tell her. she's gonna be mad, we were switching my insurance over to step dad's policy this week anyway but I guess it's just the concept of it all.... she gets really mad about stuff with my dad. I guess she just held it back all the years I was growing up because she wanted me to make my own choices about him, and now that I have she can show how much she really dislikes him and what a weak person she thinks he is. everyday I'm grateful for my mom because if she hadn't been so great I would be a lot more fucked up than I am now which is only mildly fucked up in the scheme of fucked upness.