checking myself down the list.
naw. still ok. sometimes when I wake up things are very hazy and make little sense.
Have to go in at ten tonight. hooray. ok not really.
Ever see a train wreck? yea, me either. but I can imagine. oh boy. my switch is way on..... err never explained the switch and now is not the time.
so what if someone merged the game of life and trivial pursuit. not really trivial pursuit, just trivality in general. wait. that is real life isn't it.
that's what this all is triviality (is that even a word?) this whole journal process. trivial. how much can you really know about me. or anyone for that matter. The shape of a girl made out of words on page, but completely and totally shaped by me. What I chose to say. It's not the way to really get to know me or anyone else for that matter in my opinion. It's almost like having ultimate control.... in a really boring one dimensional way. Sometimes it's more important what is not said. the look on someone's face, their stance, their tone.
last night I said I would love it if someone went on just my words, but I was wrong. There is more to it than being able to turn a pretty phrase. sometimes it's all about saying the right thing in the completely wrong way. or the completely wrong thing in the right way, though I prefer the first. the right thing is always what you want to say. but it's only the right thing in the moment, later it could be wrong. right and wrong seems so cut and dried. But not so much in actuality.
I've been thinking alot. I always think alot but sometimes about different things. a specific incident runs through my mind though why I have no idea. Goes back to those words things, to seeing someone's face, reaction..... and then them waiting for mine.
"I kissed him on the lips" I managed to not do th slow movie pause double take. I could have said something, but what was the point? I'm known for saying what's on my mind but that thing is I just try not to point it out when I bite my tongue so no one notices.
sometimes someone's subconcious wants your subconscious to know something. completely outside of the will of each other. Subconsciously I had always known. and it would seem it was wanted to be known somewhere inside. a big "Ha! take that." Well I did. tucked it away. put it in the mental closet where the other stuff was hiding out.
Yes, I heard you. a favorite game of blocks. build it up and then underhandedly crash it down. eh, it's ok. it made someone feel good.
it just slipped out, I know. out somehow I don't think it can taken back or that it wanted to be.
so much anger.
for nothing.
it doesn't matter when you get old. life is still just a serious of games and stratgy was never a strong suit of mine. Some people can make elaborate plans in Risk..... I don't have that scope. me, I'm living in the now. not the past or the future. I see it all coming and I'm content to wait because it's all in how it unfolds. I used to think it was in what was going to happen at the end but that's not where it all is. The middle is pretty important. you can have the beginning and you can have the end, but the middle is where you do the observations.
a constant river of running mouths. I said the wrong thing the wrong way at the wrong time to the wrong person. oh wrong wrong wrong. the bottom that river is muddy, but lately I can still see my feet.
how very.... something of me.
I think I'm still asleep.
words are still neat, in their place. many words little meaning.
and the nails. it's not just in love. holes to be filled. must.find.the.right.shape.
me, I'm still not sure of the shapes of my holes. (well that sounded dirty. but it wasn't.)
so here's to finding the shapes of your holes and the nails to fill them. Good luck in that.