beware world. it's the disgusting, gooey eyed, sugary sweet, smitten kitten phase.
I was going to stay home last night in my own bed for the first time in a few nights. I got home from work and I felt strange at the prospect of being by myself. I had just seen him a mere 5 hours before but I don't know I missed him.
I think we're both a little perturbed about missing each other when we see each other all the time. And tonight I refuse to give in to the urge and I'm staying home, alone.
I did have one of my minor freak outs the other night when my brain moves at speeds beyond humanly possible and I start running possible scenarios through my head. He wasn't feeling well but he wanted me to come over anyway, that he wanted to see me. I don't know where my brain went and I started to worry that something was wrong... it was as if my ears had replaced "I want to see you" with the dreaded "We need to talk." I drove over there with a mild panic he would sit me down and say things weren't working out or something. Totally and completely irrational.
I get scared so easily, rationally and even emotionally I know he likes me, cares about me alot for the very short time we've been together but some little crazy part of me worries that something will go wrong. Worries that I'll get hurt.
I'm scared because I feel pretty strongly and I'm afraid to get too wrapped up and not see warning signs or something... then again were something to go horribly wrong is better to see the mack track barraling towards you so you can brace yourself or do you go for the surprise.
It's a dumb thing to even be thinking about really. we've been having these long talks before sleep just about everything. and I've been made aware exactly how he feels about me and it gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside. I guess that's why it bothers me more that I get so worried. There aren't any secrets everyone's cards are on the table, am I just so screwed up because of a bunch of shit that has nothing to do with him that I can't enjoy what I have without that little seed of fear in the back of my head? that little worry that tomorrow is the day I get dumped on my ass just when I was geting comfortable. I'm tired of having baggage, I'm tired of being scared. I've come so far from where I was and it's really time to let all that crap go, which is easy to say and possibly not so easy to do. It's all on me to take care of my ridiculous hang ups before I fuck up, and I can not emphasize enough how much I do not want to fuck this up.