I should start this off by saying.... don't read this if you are sick of the Jason saga, cause you'll just be annoyed with my obsessing, fickle ways, and overly soft heart.
I'm not mad at him anymore.... he managed to do that thing he used to do all the time which is say the right thing at the right time. I got two little short emails from him. in one he took some responsibilty for the fact that things are not great with us right now.... I say us, like that means something... it means nothing it means there is a him in the world and an I in the world and we sometimes interact he knows things are different and most of it is probably his fault. I can't let him take all the blame but 'll let him take most.
and then in other email he said this..... I'm sorry if he gets mad for quoting him full out cut and paste but it was fabulous. made me go squish when I hadn't squished in a long time.
"You can talk to me as much as you want to I just like to sit here and
read it. I cant help feeling sometimes like that's all I should do - listen.
As if anything I say is going to screw it up.
Erika - I love to listen to you babble. Babble to me any time you want."
my insides are all gooshy.... and my chest is tight and it made me feel all good about him again. It doesn't change things that stuff is just basically fucked up but when he does stuff like that I can forget about it for awhile. I know I'm a softie. like a marshmellow over a bonfire.... hard crispy outside soft gooey inside. but he still likes me and likes the stupid things I say and maybe someday it'll work out and things between us will really go somewhere besides words just floating through the air. I almost was going to say the words don't count for anything but they obviously do because here I am wasting time writing more words about the words he wrote to me now aren't I. and those words little black marks on a white screen made me giddy because they are ore than just words sometimes.... they are thoughts and emotions... his thoughts and emotions about.... *gulp* me. and they're nice, very nice. very very nice, Cameron Diaz nice, which is very very very very very nice only Sara will get that
so I babbled to him and I babbled to you Diaryland and now I'm little babbled out and need to catch some Zzzz's.