My brain feels like scrambled eggs. Maybe I've had too much time to think. With the distance it makes it all harder or more confusing.... or something. I feel like we have this giant wall going up and I don;t want that but maybe that's just what is going to happen. maybe the wall was always there and I just didn't see it.
At this point I don't know anything for sure anymore.
You would think that the time and the space would make things clearer but really it's just muddied my waters.
I want some sort of declaration of something but it's not fair to want that. There is no clear path in this situation and I just have to be patient. Which is the hardest thing to ask of myself.
Everytime I turn around I expect to be dropped on my butt and I'm not sure if that is anyway to live. To be so completely on your guard because you're always expecting the worst. I hate this feeling.
I want to believe, I want to trust and I don't want to second guess every little thing, but that's what I do. I feel something bad is going to happen, I have that same gut feeling I had back when I got dumped. That uneasiness that there is something not right is plauging me and I don't know if I'm paranoid or something is really wrong.
I want to just look ahead and tread without being afraid but I find myself staring at the ground and taking tiny steps that don't seem to get me anywhere.
90% of the day I'm fine. I'm happy and content... but that other 10% I look around and am completely lost as to what has just happened to me and where I'm going.
Crawling into a cave and pretending that there is no such thing as the opposite sex is not an option so all I can do is wait and see. Which more than likely I will screw up. Not trying to be negative, just honest.