I'm so tired of trying to find meaning in other people's actions. why the fuck can't their thoughts and reasons for doing things just flash across their foreheads like one of those moving marquee signs? because I don't know anymore.
round aboutly I've been offered a bit of an olive branch from Mr. "you're an embarrassment to me and my life" I'm taking the ticket, but I don't know if I'm letting him buy my politeness back so easily. I'm tempted to burn his olive branch and use the fucker as a torch. petty you say? and I look like i care. I know I won't but it's tempting I would love to get a little laugh out of it but it wouldn't really further me as a person any. he knows he still bothers and pisses me off I'm not going to pretend like he doesn't that would be pointless.
so maybe I only have somewhere in the middle. I don't know. I think the only reason he wants to play nice now is he thinks it'll win him points with Sara. I honestly don't know what to do I don't want to be his friend I know that much, he doesn't deserve my friendship when my feelings in general have meant so little to him. I can attribute so much of my self esteem issues to him that I can't look past that. he mixed me up about myself so much why go back for 5th or 6th or millionth helping of it? he doesn't change. he'll never change. things will never be better between us. it is not fixable because he'll always be an asshole.
I don't know. I feel like I'm shutting down. I can't even think. all my answers are "I don't know" am I gonna be tested on this shit, because if I am let me just take the F now and make it up in karma summer school.
I asked Jason out what he wants from me. I doubt I'll get an answer.
right now that's all I would like. some answers about everything in my life. I'm tired of feeling like it's a bunch of blanks, unknowns. in school they always said "don't leave it blank, at least make a guess." I don't even have any guesses. for now it's just going to have to be "I don't know" which pisses me off because I think I used to know things......