the other day I had a weird dream. Julie was going to be giving birth at my house so I was making my grandmother go to Canada and go sking.
sorry just thought I would share. I woke up thinking, what the fuck was that?
my brain still doesn't want to function or maybe it's just over functioning I can't decide. I slept for a few hours... actually more than a few, something like 8 hours. it didn't seem to bring me any answers. it might have brought me more questions. yippe just what I always wanted.... more questions. golly Santa all I want for Christmas is more unanswered questions. fuck. as if my life were not a ball of unanswered questions.
why couldn't my dad have been a more responisble and better parent?
hmm don't know.
why can't I find a better job that doesn't make me crazy?
hmm don't know.
why is Chris such a issue on my self esteem?
hmm don't know.
why don't I know what I want to be when I grow up?
hmm don't know.
why did Eric never call me back?
hmm don't know.
why do I have no direction in life?
hmm don't know.
why can't jason make some sort of move?
hmm don't know.
I could do this all day. but it's funny somewhere in the back of my mind there is this little voice saying "lighten up you stupid bitch..... you're pissing me off."
so yes I am full aware that I'm whiney and pathetic right now. I hate being in this position and I haven't figured out how to change it yet. I can not, will not be like this forever. if it lasts too long I'll just beg someone to shoot me in the head and put me out of everyone's misery.
I have this other problem. to I tell Jason about all the ancient history between Chris and I? there is a chance they'll meet. I don't want to hold anything back but I don't want to tell him either. it's just so fucked up all of it. I worry so much about what Jason thinks of me and I know I don't come off as a shining star in that little saga. maybe I'm just unable to interact with men on some sort of healthy level (I can thank Dad for that little gift, couldn't you have just gotten me a car when I was 16 instead?)
I may just got AWOL for a couple of days try to get my shit together. so if you don't hear from me I'll be back on Monday. maybe.