another entry: that's right home alone again leads to spewing forth of many words.
just had a long talk with a friend about the wackiness in her life. Reminded me about how I don't tell the people in my life enough good things. I admire this person a lot. She is many things that I'm not....... secure, patient, and whole slew of other things and I told her so. it just made me happy to talk to her.
that's something new with me. the whole happy gig. Sure everyone wants someone in their life but I used to not get really perked up unless I had someone. The past month or so that has really changed. would I love to meet someone and fall in love? Of course. Does that mean I need to cling onto anyone who comes my way. Hell no.
I'm pretty happy. I'm alone and I'm still pretty happy. I'm finding out new things about myself all the time.
to go semi deep and sharing like, today is Father's Day. I didn't call my dad or send him a card. nor will I. we haven't talked in a long time. he did not contact me on my birthday or on Christmas. his loss. I think for so long because of the less than stellar relationship with my father I didn't do well in the whole dealing with guys thing. how very textbook of me. It was a big deal to cut my dad out of my life. It's been a year and it was my choosing. rather than settle for second place behind his other children and be upset everytime I talked to him or saw him and wonder why it was he didn't love me as much as I thought he should I decided that it was better not to contact him. maybe some day I'll be able to talk to him again have him in my life. maybe I won't. sure it's upsetting and I have bad dream about it. it's kind of a tramatic thing even at my age. But I'm ok with what I decided to do. It's his loss because he never bothered to get to know me.
I don't hate him.
I honestly don't hate anyone anymore. people I used to hate I just can't put that kind of energy into that anymore. I've been fucked over, it's time to get over it. I will probably never ever speak to the people who have fucked me over in my life ever again, but I don't want revenge on them. Let them live their lives and do what they are going to do. some of them are bad people some of them aren't some of them could be very good people, but being so angry just makes me as bad as them.
Who wants to be with someone who is angry all the time? There are so many better things I could do with my energy. whining and crying over things I can't change or can't undo does me no good. I'm no angel I've been a real bitch on four wheels when I wanted to be. some things I'm sorry for some I'm not. people make mistakes. You can't take them back or pretend they didn't happen because that will just make you crazy.
I just want to be happy. And not because someone else is "making" me happy. For so long I waited for something good to happen so I could be happy.
I finally get it. Only took me 24 years, when you're happy then good things happen. I'm not saying nothing bad will ever happen to me again but I should be way better equipped to deal with it.
So right now I'm being happy.
and maybe good things will happen.
I've been lucky. very lucky. things could be lots worse.
hey my roomate just brought me yummy strawberries!
happy!