I am one paranoid little bugger. I got a text message today in reference to the last post's topic. for a moment I wondered if someone was checking up on me. I think that someone just sucks at returning messages though. Checking up would be a sign of interest and interest would require effort, effort would require removing one's head from one's ass.
I'm glad I didn't get asked why I was thinking about and probably going, because really what was I going to say? "I'm trying to get away from you and this bizarre hold you have on me."
It's there, that pull, and it can't be a good thing. Though I would never say it, it would be taken all wrong. Feelings would be unintentionally hurt. Too much honesty is not always good. Isn't that funny, me trying to protect the feelings of that one. The constant buzzing reminder that I'm not good enough and I'm playing shield for that. I really am a glutton for punishment.
I was ok with it as long as it was my way. snap. jump. but of course with that one I never get my way for long. sucker.
been there done that, survived it..... this time around I would like to survive it with a little more dignity. I know if I go it'll fade, until I just don't care anymore. Until it's million miles away and someone else's life I heard about in passing once. You know the story you hear about a friend of a friend who got emotionally crushed, and you gasp saying "how awful". five minutes later you've forgotten everything but the bare bones facts to be rcounted at soem other point... "I knew this girl once....." Only I didn't know her, I was her. And I still didn't know her, this all just makes me feel like for as far as I've come maybe I still don't know her.
I just need to escape from the tiny little pinpricks of the heart, just perspective, just distance, just a little hardening of the heart. Nothing to see here, folks, nothing to see here....