I'm vaugely lost right at this minute. Things are just seemingly muddled.
I need to get crackin on something, well a few things. but it's one of those moments where I just don't know who or where to begin.
went to coffee with a sort of friend.... more like new friend last night. sometimes my thoughts are exactly on target about somethings. I do not regret this particular choice when it came down to it.
my eye contact was shoddy last night which is rare. I usually look people in the eye and I just couldn't. I had no desire, no inkling to look this person in the eye. I would talk and just stare off into space, which is very not like me. or perhaps it is like me and I just never took any notice of it. but I was painfully aware of it last night. I just could not hold a gaze. I guess I just had other things on my mind and as nice of a conversation it was, I was really wishing it was someone else sitting across the table from me. how rotten of me.
Later I met up with D and her posse which was fun. it always strikes me how similar D and I am when it comes to people. we both seem to have have these different circles of friends that we sort of try to bring together.... people that would normally not really mix at all. I was incredibly figity the entire night. my napkin, my coaster, my little napkin holder were all shredded by the time I left. and there was this thing with the waiter... well I'll have to confirm maybe it was imagination. It was nice to be in a large social group, though I sometimes think D's other friends find me odd. I'm just that little bit dirtier, that little bit more loud, and little more out of control than the rest. it always seems to put me a slight bit on edge. but I had fun.
The drive home killed me.
it was raining and I was tired and I was letting my funk set in a little. I've found as I get older there are more and more things that make no sense to me. I desperately try to cling to black and white but it's not that simple, and eventually the world becomes a startling contrast of bright colors and various shades of grey.