things are good and things are bad.
they can't make up their minds about how to be.
honestly with Sara visiting this is the best mood I've been in a long time. but with Sara came some serious self analysis..... I thought I was doing a better job of hiding the fact that things don't have such a rosey glow for me. but I guess people are worried. and when people are worried it's time to stop sticking your head in the sand and start dealing with what is going on.
I've been doing a whole lot of thinking about how I want things to change and I'm still not sure what I want out of life but being bitter and angry will just turn me into Kristen. and I really don't need to spend that much time on my couch. it's not easy to become a more laid back easy going person who doesn't pick fights all the time. this could take awhile.
but it's definately time to start liking myself more. not that I'm such a great and wonderful person but if I work on thinking that I am then maybe I will become one. does that make any sense in the least?
There are also lots of dreaded Dad issues. I don't know if I'll ever work those out...... I just know I can't go through life dating weak men because I think I can change them and make them love me. how textbook am I? my daddy didn't love me so I'm gonna date guys just like him and try to fix them. why didn't someone smack me upside the head sooner?
I can do better than I have in the past.... the guys I've dated, well none of them were out to win the blue ribbon of great boyfriends. I've started on trying to teach myself to be not so needy, not clingy, not fall into whatever so quickly. I'm going to learn not to care so much not get my feelings so hurt so easily, not to take their rejections as a reflection on me. whooo this is not going to be easy but what else is new whoever said being normal and well adjusted was easy.
I wish I could make everyone stop worrying about me. That I could tell them I'm ok. but in truth I'm not ok I haven't been ok, and until I can get back to ok, oh hell aim high, until I can get to good I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that they're going to worry.
I'm starting with Chris just because he's the easiest place to start because of all the distance between us now. it's funny I got mad at him on Saturday, I've been pretty annoyed he read my diary, because well let's face it...... That's creepy. but it's not worth fighting with him over. all the upset it would bring, it's not worth. my back hurts from stooping to his level and I'm not going to do it anymore. he wants to pull stupid stunts like Saturday and have his excuses for it, great. I don't have to believe him, but it's not worth fighting over. I can just smile and shake my head instead of getting so angry. the whole world is better off for it. more importantly, I'm better off for it.
my friends are wonderful and I don't tell them that often enough. If I said with every breath every minute of the day it still wouldn't be enough.
things will not always be bad.
things will not always feel so impossible.
I'm not as alone as I felt like I was.
and who knows maybe some day I'll have faith in men again...... maybe.
Sara would be so proud of me. I played the game like a master. I don't know if she herself could have done it better. but that's not really up for public consumption at the moment. hmmm maybe someday I'll spill my "boy meets girl secrets" or maybe I won't, I'll just have to wait and see.
now I think I owe a boy email, I was kinda hard on him and I have it from a good source I hurt his feelings, and though he did stuff wrong maybe he should get another chance on extenuating circumstances cause well I'm not exactly a saint and some people love me anyway.