sometimes I just don't know what to make of things. part of it is I don't know what I want. I thought I did. but now I'm not so sure.
part of me really wants to see someone seriously, wants to start something meaningful, to have someone care about me. the other part of me thinks that getting into a relationship right now would be the worst thing I could possibly do.
so I like this boy. I get the impression that he's not really looking for anything. or what he is looking for is not much..... I could just go along for the ride and be quietly dissapointed when it's over. I could say upfront we're looking for different things and then it would be over. either way it'll end sooner than later. I'm tired of being in these dead end situations.
I know I'm not looking to fall in love but having someone on a regular basis is sounding nice to me. someone who cares what's going on with me. I want to have a place in someone's life. man how desperate does that sound?
I don't know if he's actually giving me mixed signals or if I just want them to be mixed to have that tiny shred of hope. I don't know if I should even bother talking about it with him, actually I know I shouldn't. but part of me wants to lay it on the line and go "this is what I'm looking for. you keep telling me what a cool chick I am... do you think I'm cool enough to keep around or do you just want to get in my pants and then disapear?" everyone says they like honestly but guess what? they really don't.
so here I am in a dilemma do I dare to hope or do I just walk away before I get hurt?
update: would we like to make this even more confusing. Andy just dropped back into the picture. he wants to see me again. he knows that I'm looking for more than I was originally. not sure what he's looking for....... anyone else wanna get in touch with me and throw me into more of a tailspin? anyone? Bueller? Bueller? totally unrelated to my social life..... the exact position I hold at work is open in another location one only 2 freeway exits away from me...... as opposed to 30 miles away where I work now. Hmmmmm