Do you ever read other people's diary's? Like people you kinda know? Or you feel like you know them because you've read enough entries they've written you're accustom to the cast of characters. Maybe they don't even know that you read their diary, but you feel like you know them, kinda of like you're a part of the group only you sit at the end of the table at lunchtime. They know you're there and that you can hear what they are saying. They don't really care that you can hear them but they don't know your name, or listen to the conversation you might having down at that other end of the table.
so you read them and then maybe you go back and read something older they wrote and it puts you in this weird feeling. Like you see this person they were before and it's different than who they are now and you're kinda confused. Maybe it was just this particular entry I read (it was actually in a section of this person's journal that I make an effort to avoid, I didn't realize I was in the period of time or else I wouldn't have read it. It's just one those things where you've read ahead and you know how the story ends and it's not good and you feel all faked out by the happy part at the beginning when you already know the end is sad. Well I hit the end like the really sad stuff, the disapointing stuff) so now I feel all weird like this person is all exposed. I want to give them a jacket and say "I'm sorry I did that, here, please cover up." I just feel guilty like I invaded their privacy. And yet fuck, hello, they have an online diary obviously they didn't want privacy. they're a nudist and they don't want my damn jacket, which is more like a clear rain coat that really couldn't cover anything up anyway because well you can't go unread something. as much as you may want to sometimes. So why the hell do I feel guilty for reading what they handed me, well handed me in a round about way. Yea, that little pep talk did nothing for I'm still feelin the guilt.
I wonder if the handful of people who read this feel the same way. Mentally cringing, wishing I would shut up, saying to their screens at home, while handing me their own mental raincoats. "why is she telling us these things?"
My answer? Because you're willing to sit there and listen.
There is someone I kind of wonder why they bother to read, because I know they hate listening to me complain, and whine, and be depressed, and have anxiety, and worry, and they tell me that they don't understand most of what I write. I don't know, I think I make sense...... mostly I just think they doesn't really like me as a person very much because, lets face it, I'm not positive, I'm not happy, and I'm sure as hell not go lucky.... I don't really blame them in the least.
On the otherhand you know what? I am sad, I am depressed, this is not a good time in my life, that's just how things are and I'm not gonna play like everything is dandy because it makes someone uncomfortable because things aren't coming up roses. If you don't like my attitude then just don't talk to me it's simple as that. When I'm a in good mood about things well they don't want to talk about that, when I'm in a bad mood about things well I'm not allowed to talk about that either, so what are we going to talk about? The weather? Nothing more serious than that. Mental raincoats? No, that would be far too serious.