ok I went back and now I feel lame.
I'm pretty good about not deleteing things in my journal so it's still there.
I guess I should talk about something.
about running.
I've been accused of pushing people away all my life. It's not that I don't get into friednships or into relationships. I can just be kind of reserved with my trust. I almost always expect people to dissapoint me. I don't want them to but maybe I create some sort of negative energy that causes them to do it because I expect it underneath it all.
I'm pretty aware of the fact that I tend to do this. that I push people away or run away when I get worried about something. it always makes me laugh when people try to tell me how to be in regards to this because the ones most vocal about it are people who do the same thing, and I don't think they even know they do it. it's not that uncommon of a problem.
now things that don't fall into a personal relationship sort of challenge I usually can meet head on. The things that have happened in the past year or so have made me have doubts. Dropping out of school just not being able to cut it. finding that my plate really could be too full. I'm so much happier now that I was a year ago but I guess I'm still afraid about finding out what I'm going to do with my life. I've hit this nice little comfortable rut where I can complain about how I hate my job and I don't want to be where I am. But it's comfortable there is no risk involved at all. I know I can do my job and make my lousy paycheck. I'm a fraid to try something else because if I fail I'm not sure how devastating it would be.
Maybe it wouldn't be I don't know. rejection isn't something I take well in any form. call it what you want, poor self image, abadonment issues whatever lame label you want to put on it.
though I think I did pretty well with the old SP rejection this time around. had a little set back this week with the whole thing with that guy. it bothered me more than it should have. hurt me more than it should have. it's still bothereing me oddly enough. it's not that it doesn't make sense because it does. I don't know why it's bothering me. it wasn't that I wasn't sort of expecting it. it still felt shocking.
so if I go and do this thing and I screw it up and I fail if I can't follow through with action on what I know about the job. then what? what the fuck do I do then? screwing up relationships, well it's come to be expected. people not liking me, well I'm used to that too. but somehow doing something and complete strangers telling me I didn't do a good job, telling me it sucks. that is somehow way worse than someone telling me I'm not pretty enough, or thin enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or whatever enough. maybe I've just conditioned myself to know that people are going to think that about me but I've always been able to be good at what I do when I put my mind to it. it's some little indie short no one will ever see why am I worried about this. they aren't evening paying me to do it. and I'm freaking terrfied.