I'm only posting this to remind myself that I shouldn't be so damn self indulgent
*warning self involved whiney superficial rant ahead, avert eyes if you have real problems. because I don't, I just like to feel sorry for myself.... also, there is senseless rambling*
well welcome to my screwed up life.
lately all I've been bitching about it people I know reading my diary when I haven't given them a link, that they found it usually went looking for it. this time around someone handed it to them on a silver platter. I doubt said person cares what's here, but it's just the general idea of it that someone gave this person a link without asking me. I'm not happy about this. but I'll live, I have no choice. if I throw myself off my roof I'd only break a leg. and then I'll be living with a broken leg, I'd rather just live.
and it's all mixed into this veiled power play going on which is driving me nuts. I've always been competeive with my friends, I don't know why. I don't particularly like it but that's just how it's been.
and this time around I'll freely admit that I'm on the losing end of the competition mostly because I don't want the prize. it's just hurtful that it keeps happening...... it seems that I'm not aware enough that my life has changed and the roles I used to hold are no longer there so someone feels the need to make sure it is abundantly clear that I am no longer the favorite that most people who used to be my friends no longer like me and that my old role has been filled. And I don't think it's intentional and that's why I pause to even say anything or bring it up because this is just going to cause trouble i don't particularly want or need. and I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel bad I just want it to stop, so I don't feel bad anymore. this whole thing is fucking weight around my neck, dragging me down. I don't want my old life back. I can do better, and if someone else wants to step into great but please don't make a point of rubbing my nose in what a better job you're doing than I did when it was my place.
I know I'm not charming and attractive, the life of the party, and obsession of all who meet me. am I jealous because I'm not those things? of course. who doesn't want to be the on that everyone loves? would I be good at that? No. but I want to be the center of attention for something once. not because something bad happened to me not because I did something bad.
I want to be the pretty one.
I want to be the charming one.
for fifteen minutes... maybe a whole night where I could be the center of attention where it could be about me. and not because my car was stolen or my apartment was broken into or I got drunk and made an ass of myself. I want it to be because I was the prettiest girl in the room or the funniest or the smartest. yea I'll keep dreaming because the only way that will happen will be after I check myself into the mental ward for people with horrible deformities... and actually insane people are probably still smarter and unintentionally funnier than I am. so I'm screwed. but hey I'd be the pretty one.
I should be happy with what I have. There are worst things in the world than being a sidekick, there worst things than being second best. like, I don't know, hot pokers in the eye, or no hot water when you want to take a shower.... or world hunger. but none of those are in my day to day life, (yes we have ample hot water, I don't even worry about that)
so I'll whine and cry how no one likes me (they probably don't like me because I whine and cry, but why put any blame on myself here.)
this started out as a serious rant. it really did, and it ended with this whimpering chant of "I'm lame, I'm lame" I don't know it's seemed to just die out in the end I can't even stay angry at the world for not recognizing me as anything beyond best friend of the pretty, charming, smart, talented, potiential girl. or mad at her for keeping the same view the world has. maybe that's all I am. the friend who stands on the side hoping someone will pay attention to her for something more than "hey your friend is hot." I thought I had that, but he didn't show up to dinner.
I know that this is pretty self involved and others have worse problems in the world than being second best to someone they consider their friend, and "boo hoo things with me and boys never work out". lots of worse things. I'll get over it, or I'll get a boob job.
I would also like a pony.
yea I know this makes no sense it made no sense to me write it off as stream of consciouness (however you spell it) and go read someone else's diary. comeone who actually has something meaningful to say.
what was I saying? everyone at work hates me now too. not like you runined my life hate mind you just "you burnt popcorn in the microwave and made the whole place smell bad" hate. but still I feeling sensitive so it hurts. actually it doesn't but I'm mad because no matter how many time I wash them my hands smell like burnt popcorn and it really is a horrible smell.