I get my compliments in the strangest places.
the old line "You're a great girl." I always get that from people I used to see.
it seems rather hollow. I must have not been that great because it didn't work out.
not to ride the pity train or anything.
I think I've seen too many movies, read too many books, and listened a little to hard to sappy lyrics.
I want something more.
the mutal admiration society is killing me.
maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. not wanting to be expendable.
I want somoene to think wonderful things about to be crazy about me and for me to be crazy about them.
I've always thought in the past that in a realtionship someone always likes the other more. someone is totally in and the other is just along for the ride. maybe that's just always how it's been for me. either drivin or riding, never taking a trip together.
I want mutual fireworks.
I want to be the only people in a crowded room and all that other cliche crap.
I finally get it I guess.... there is no point in dating or being with someone if there isn't something magic about. Lasting magic. Follow someone anywhere magic.
I've been told that dating me is hard work and I don't doubt that. more issues than National Geographic, as my roomate always tells me.
I hate to be so cut and dried but dating is an investment and why waste the time if you're not looking into the future.
The future has become more and more important. wanting to be with someone five years from now, not wanting to look across the table and think "what the hell am I doing?"
I don't know I'm sad.
you see someone told me they liked me tonight, and it's just not someone I see that way. I wish I could.
I really do.
everything happens for a reason.
shows how much I've changed. in the past I would have jumped just because someone likes me. done it all wrong, because I just wanted someone to like me.
but now I want more.
it's crazy and this is just going to stir up a lot of trouble.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
I don't want to be a slice of misery for anyone.
I just want something else.
that sure, dead on, gut feeling I haven't had in ages. sometimes you just know. and sometimes you know that you don't. funny how I'm not as smart as I think I am because so many other people have figured these things out before me.
and I know that I don't.
people are telling me it will happen.
stupid people who know nothing about me really.
that instant attraction. it goes beyond how someone looks, how someone talks, how they think. it's this big giant jumbled ball of who they are. sitting next to someone and knowing "that's the one." for whatever reason that makes that happen.
it's been years.
I've been coasting along without that. and I want it. that fucking elusive, indescribable something. going both ways. (I've never had that at all.)
I'm holding out for it.
because that's the way it is.
the way it has to be.
I could apologize for it but what would the point be?
point being to all this?
even if (name of person) called this minute and had to see me it wouldn't work. as fun as it would have been it wasn't there.
I haven't met the person that it is there with.
and maybe I won't.
everything happens for a reason. I know you feel shitty and I feel shitty. but at least I figured this much out so I thank you for that. not that it helps you any, but it made me take a look and figure it out.
growing up sucks.