I think I'm having a minor panic attack.... ok possibly a major one.
went over to the new house..... I just.
what the fuck am I doing?
moving again?
Oh my God I quit my job..... am I insane?
it's as if everything that has happened over the last couple of weeks is hitting me like a ton of bricks I've been preparing for these things without them actually sinking in that I'm doing them. It's been like a long game of pretend.... I'm pretending I'm moving, I'm pretending I'm quitting, I'm pretending I'm going to be unemployed.
but I'm not pretending. all these things are happening and suddenly I'm scared to death. I mean what the fuck? what if I ruin my life... again. been there done that haven't fully recovered.... what if I do it again?
what if I completely obliterate what small token of sanity I've managed to build in the past year? another horrible spiral into depression?
I have nothing to fall back on. I have no back up plan. what I have going now has to work. I certainly can't go crying for my job back. (and I don't want it back..... I think I would rather die than go back there.)
have I really been playing it so safe that I don't know how to take risks anymore?
I am terrified, and I hate it.
cause lets look at this... I have no savings..... and I do mean none after the car incident and them cutting my hours to nil at work.
I have no degree.... and it'll be a year before I can even think about going back and getting it.
momentarily I've lost that feeling I've had that everything will work out. I'm sure I'll get myself back but right this minute I've lost my head.
I apologize... I'm just not myself today. I don't know who I've become but I don't really like this person and I wish they would go away so I could come back.