Something sort of odd happened to be today... (short tangent: I've noticed I use the word odd a lot when I want to describe something for lack of a better word. so once again something odd has happened to me) I was leaving Ryan's and going to Ikea only I wasn't paying attention and missed where i needed to get on the other freeway. me getting lost is not the odd part, I do that all the time. I got off the freeway thinking I could catch the street that I wanted. I was driving realizing there was no way I was going to find the street I wanted when through the open window I smelled some trees. Again, smelling tees not too odd. the odd part was I knew exactly where I smelled these trees before. My Nana's house. Mind you my Nana has been dead for at least 15 years....... 17 possibly if I'm remembering right. it is quite possible I am not remembering right though. anyway I smelled those trees and I was 6 years old again walking with my cousin down the street talking about how her brother used to be deathly afraid of Yoda. I almost pulled onto a side street thinking if I looked long enough I could find her old house. I know I wasn't in the right neighborhood but I wanted so badly to find it. it dawned on me I don't know where that house is.... I have so many memories of it but I don't know where it is. I don't know the address or the area I don't know anything. I thought briefly about calling my Dad to ask him where it was. Strangely that information would warrant itself important enough for me to call him for the first time in 7months. I didn't call him and I'm not going to. I'm going to ask my mother if she remembers. I want to drive by.... walk by, see if it's like I remember. I bet it's not. I know her second husband was living there and nuttier than fruitcake. Chasing the neighborhood kids with rakes and sitting on his roof at 3am taking pictures of the neighborhood....... I wonder if he's even still alive. I don't know what I think would happen if I went by there. that he would be out on the lawn and I would see him and he would see me and something would happen. when I was younger I looked just like my Nana..... not anymore I don't think, but I wonder if he would see me and see her in me and know who I was. I doubt it. I know he wouldn't but I guess part of me kinda of hopes. he'll see me and feel guilty for being such an asshole. boy am I sap. the man is probbaly dead or if he is alive he's insane and could care less if I looked like the Queen of England. I just want to think that he feels bad that he feels guilty for leaving her all alone when she was dying. I can't imagine how horrible and lonely that was too be all alone all day stuck in bed, fucking dying with no family to come and see to come and take care of you. Then again my Dad and my Aunt could have flown to see them at their new house in washington at anytime and they didn't so I hope they feel guilty too. I hope they all feel guilty and rotten.
it makes me cry every time I think about it. I heard when she died she had pictures of all of the grandkids, me my brother and my cousins laid out on the bed that was the last thing she was looking at. *sigh* I just want to go by the house and see if her roses are still there, she had rose bushes all over the place. well enough with my self involved hard to follow thought pattern that is sure to bore anyone who is not me to tears.
I also went to Ikea today I love Ikea. it is good and inspirational. I have ideas lots and lots of ideas. no money but i have ideas.
Julie got your message I'll be sort of aruond this week I was out with Diana when you called and then headed over to Ryan's..... anyhoo I was gonna call you when I got home but it was 10 your time.......