hm I'm in some serious lust here. Maybe more. oh girl, lets not jump the gun.
I just have weird feelings, something I can't pin point or explain but it's a good weird feeling. heehee he actually asked me "is it a good weird or a bad weird." oh it's a good weird, a very good weird. it's a flutterbys in my tummy kinda of weird.
I don't want to be sucked in and I'm being way too damn nice to the boy, cause lets face it I'm notnice. I'm not nice in the least and here I am saying sweet, MUSHY, stuff.
It's time to take me uot behind the barn and shoot me because this can only get worse.
Becky thinks it's her half of the brain controlling mine because she hasn't talked to her boy much lately.
I think it's just me being lame and setting myself up to get trampled on.
but I like I said to him "I lik you you like me, the rest we'll worry about later."
And that is pretty much what I'm trying to do. Sure my brain is racing to the future. He won't come to me on a permanant basis, were this to be the real deal, because he can't give up his job. I would have to go there. right now there isn't anything tying me here, but a couple of months from now there could be (fingers crossed not holding breath) and then what?
My whole life is seemingly built on a massive tower of what if's and I'm teetering somewhere near the very top hoping they don't all crumble beneath me.
There are two paths in the road and I can only have one right now. lLuckily they are both far far far up the road so I have some time to think about them.
One is the boy, the other is more complicated and that. the other is almost everything I;ve ever wanted in my life minus a boy. I think the other would win over the boy. but there is still the possibilty that one of them could take themselves out of the running them only being what ifs. I guess the big question will be then if I give up the boy will there ever be another one like him. Because I can honestly say he blows me away, he is different from any guy I have ever met.
It actually makes me a little nervous because I question his motives. I honestly think he is sincere I'm just bitter and jaded and tired of being jerked arund that I'm not so good with the trusting. And he gets that, and just accepts it. go figure.
hopefully I'll be able to just accept that he says nice things because he likes to and not for any other purpose. Wouldn't that be nice.
I know I probably shouldn't go see him, if I was smart I would get out of this before it ruins all my plans and I spend my tiime thinking up names for little wagon wheels.
I always run away I always ruin it, in the end it never mattered because everyone is replaceable some easier than others. This one is different. I mean I'm sure he could be replaced everyone can be replaced.... but replaceing him could take some work.
This is silly. I'm silly. Why am I freaking out and panicing. Cause I'm lame that's why.