damn I slept like a rock last night.
woke up at 6 the first time. I'm annoyed that by body has been trained to wake up early even when it doesn't have to.
in the harsh light of day somehow going out today doesn't seem like such a great idea.
I promised I would be there.
so it's sort of a bummer. not only did I not get drunk last night like I was going to but the cat abandoned me around 7.
something really just struck me as wrong.
I know it wasn't meant that way but it just irritated me. something he said that boiled down to basically I ended up getting hurt so he could feel alive.
journals are a false thing. You always want to look good. So you tell a story and what you may be saying is the facts but it is said in a way that you look like you were justified in the actions you took. I've done it a million times. It's close to what happened, but so incredibly biased that it can't really be the truth. I suppose absolute honesty with yourself is a fleeting thing. It only comes in tiny lightening strikes, and then it's gone. you remember what it looks like, the bright light behind your eyes. You remember how it felt to some degree lesser than when it happened but time perverts it. And hours later who you are and what you think you know has tainted it.
I feel like an experiment. it's not worth being angry about. he's not worth being angry. I wasn't betrayed like I have been so many times.
I'm confused about the whole thing right now. I jumped a gun and sort of offered up a friendship in the end that maybe I shouldn't have. Is it settling to be friends with someone you're attracted to? Because you're not getting what you want from them. You can't be with everyone you're attracted to, you'd be flitting from one person to the next and to the next every time your whim changed. Leaving a nice path of destruction in your wake. Being friends would make him feel better and I don't know at this second how important to me it would be for him to feel better.
I want to feel better, that's my priority. I don't know if being friends would help things or hurt things. Right now is not a time to be making descions on this, this I know.