had a major flip out panic attack last night.... I don't even really know what happened. well actually I do.... but there is a possibility that ananimity (yes, my spelling sucks, I'm so aware of this.) has been compromised so I'm not going to even bother getting into details. I think he was trying to tell me that last night, or he slipped because I'm fairly sure I didn't tell him about the dream I had and he got part of it wrong anyhow.
I know I blow things out of proportion sometimes, especially when I want something or I want to hear something and I'm not hearing it. and of course the evening was going great and I ruined it. I think I suck at communicating sometimes. I try so hard to not be overbearing, HA! funny I try not to be overbearing but I so am.
I pulled my "I'm leaving" stunt. I haven't done that in a long time, but I don't think I've been that freaked out in a long time. Funny thing is I kept saying I was angry but I wasn't angry. my feelings were hurt. It's far too soon to be in a position where my feelings can get hurt. but there I was with hurt feelings getting my pout on. Usually you don't leave, someone talks you into staying and everything is fine. I don't know, I didn't calm down, I just got more upset. and like an asshole I cut and run. waited until he was asleep and bolted. I can be such a stubborn person, I get an idea in my head and there is no looking back.
I think the walk was good for me though, sorta calmed me down. I knew the second I closed the door I was making a mistake but I screw everything up so why stop now. I mean, when you're really good at something you're suppose to go with it right. and I am a master at fucking things up. and I don't even entirely know why. *sigh* he's pretty much never going to call me again.
oddly enough Mr. Black and Bitter and I were talking about waiting for everything to fall apart in each of our prospective things. Beat you to the punch on that one sweetheart....