I slept like the dead last night, for the first time in a long time.
I'm starting to think there is some mystical weird mojo going on in my apartment..... though I'm probably just being paranoid. But I slept awesome last night!
Went to see D. And the gang because every day with D is party, there was great mocking of my leaving early. But I had places to go and people to see.
and speaking of that..... I'm in this place. It's the same place I've always been only it's like I turned 90 degrees and everything looks different. I know I'm in the same place but it sure looks different and really doesn't feel like the same place at all.
I hate feeling stupid or awkward. Vulnerable in any way is really not one of my strong suits and yet I trudge ahead. So I often I feel less than intelligent. my brain is telling me things and they just don't seem to come out the way I would like them to. I want to yell that I'm really not this dumb, but right now I really couldn't back the claim up. If I wasn't so dependant on them I would really hate words right now. I really feel like half the time they are doing me more harm than good.
I get all spun around and not a whole lot makes sense to me. everything in my life has changed rather rapidly lately, people I used to rely on aren't there anymore. Self reliance is a wonderful thing and it's not something new and exciting, I just naturally want to share things.
I'm just not very trusting of my own judgement these days. I always want to give people chances and the benefit of the doubt but can never let go completely. And with all the bad things that have happened I just start to wonder how I could have let them.
Sometimes it sucks to be the firm believer in the school of thought that things don't just happen to people, they happen because you let them happen to you. I wish I could wonder through life not taking responisibilty for my own actions but that's not how I am.
I have to find a better way to do things, sometimes I manage, but most of the time I just fall into my own trap.
wow none of this blathering is the least bit interesting.....
well what else is new.