so I'm really bummed out now.
Sara's not coming to see me.
There are so many times when I feel like I come last. like everyone thinks I'll just understand. and I do understand, sorta. but last time I checked Sara was not responsible for Chris's friends. but I guess she owes him. I feel bad for his friend but it wasn't like Sara and I weren't planning on hanging out on Saturday all along. The plan was always that she would be here this weekend. *sigh* or so I thought I guess I was wrong. if she wanted to be here she would, or at least if it were me in the situation I would try to find a way. but it's not me, maybe she has tried and it's just impossible. I don't know.
anyway it's upsetting me more than it should. I should have expected things to not work out instead of crying about it I should be just blwoing it off and going oh well. but it hurts.... a lot. I've hardly talked to her and seen her even less after the first couple of days she's been here.
is it ridiculous that I feel like a complete stranger is being put before me when I'm suppose to be her best friend? am I just being selfish? maybe I am, but if I don't look out for what I want and my own feelings no one else will. or at least no one else has lately.
I feel stupid for sitting here and bawling but I can't seem to make myself stop. whenever these things happen I get soangry with myself why can't I stand up for myself more why do I always have to be the one who rearranges their schedule and bends over backwards to make things happen? why is it never important enough to anyone else? either I'm a bitch for being pushy to get my way or I'm doormat because I don't speak up I can't seem to find any middle ground.
maybe I'm just really tired. but I'm still crying. it's just things have been so tense, I wanted this time so we could just have fun and not worry about things. not have to deal with Chris and the problems that come with him. I needed this time with her. but it's not going to happen.
it's a shame to be so down now when I had so much fun last night with Diana, Vince, Nancy, and Cuong. but for every good there is bad.