so.... hi.... remember me? I'm sorry. I've moved onto greener pastures.
I was going through old things the other day and I found a box of pictures. And ever since then I've needed to get this out.... and though I'm not here anymore really this seemed like the best place.
Funny, there were pictures of him in that box. I had almost forgotten what he looked like. At some point I thought I had really loved him. Strange how when you really fall in love for the first time you realize it's completely different. I didn't love him. How could I? I couldn't even muster up enough enthusism to like myself, how could I love someone else. And when I did fall in love how I felt for him back in the day paled in comparision. Who knows maybe the next time I fall in love I'll decide I was never in love with K. either. But I doubt it.
Anyhow, I got to thinking about..... things, looking through those pictures. Things I found out a long time ago. Seems like years and it very well might be...... when I found out I expected myself to be angry. But I wasn't. Dissapointed, yes. To know they looked me in the eye and lied. And then I wonder who else lied to keep their secret. And I was relived. I know that sounds very odd but I finally knew I had been right. He actually had tried to tell me and I wouldn't listen. I just couldn't hear it. He was shoving it in my face without actually saying the words and I was pretty much shoving my fingers in my ears and humming to block him out.
"You don't understand. You don't know how it is." He was trying to tell me that they were together.
I had always wanted to believe she had been telling the truth. That there had been nothing going on, but there had, somewhere in the pit of my stomach I knew. The strangest thing of all was after the relief I was thankful. It really did turn out for the best for everyone.
From my perspective everyone got what they wanted. Only a guess.
He got her, she got the unconditional love she always wanted, and I got free of him. At the time I didn't think I wanted to be free of him but I think that's why we fought so much. Bringing out the worst in each other and all. To be happy and whole I needed him gone.
She actually did me a huge favor because finally my ties with him were broken. No more power over my life. I think if we had stayed in that destructive circle much longer I wouldn't have survived. Who I had been was so lost at that point I think I might have done something drastic. (Yes, like that. I would have given myself maybe one more year and I would have had no self esteem left.)
Looking back it's scary.... I looked so bad. So thin. Like a completely different person. I never want to look in the mirror and see that girl again.
Strange that someone would be thankful for someone being dishonest with them, but everything happens for a reason. Even when at the time it seems horrible, it's might not be. Good old 20/20 hindsight.