a lesson on the impossible dream.
life is a very funny thing. Everytime when you think you're maybe gaining some ground, you find out you're not.
Just got to my parents, I swear it's like my mom knows me even without me saying anything. There was half a pack of smokes and a bunch of junk food waiting for me.
I plan on getting drunk and sitting here with the cat tonight.
You see there was this boy I liked. went out a couple of times. It didn't work out, for a million reasons.
The sad thing is deep down I knew.
something in the kiss.
you see you can fool a dick into thinking it likes you but kisses can't be fooled. and there was something in his kisses that said he just didn't like me the way I liked him.
what else is new. I wanted to think that somehow something had changed because I was a different person than I have been in the past. That somehow things would fall into place but it didn't. Not this time. I'm not giving up hope, but it's ok to be alone. I still get that like I never did before.
it was always a lie to myself before. I thought I needed someone even though I pretended like I didn't.
Someday I will ignite something in someone and they will ignite something in me and it'll be instant combustion. Instead of just me incinerating. AT least I hope so.
can't blame him really. everyone has something that they are looking for I can't help it that I'm not it. and neither can he.
we'll probably even be friends. in a couple of weeks. who knows. and someday I'll tell him the story. The one about my own personal impossible dream. the one that was a lie and joke and a million other things.
As that song says "I'm sorry and a dollar won't buy a pint of your favorite ice cream."
I'm not good at dating. I'm just not.
so fuck it. I'm not giving it up per say.
I'm just am who I am.
and if it's not what someone wants well then it's not. Can't change that.
I feel like I screwed up, I blew it. I had it in my grasp and once again couldn't quite make it to the payoff. Everyone wants to be loved. even me. and it's better this way. To know now than for it to have dragged on and to have gotten in way to deep.
I guess I fall too easily, but I can't just trust myself or them.
I didn't trust that if I put myself out there, really out there and that if he didn't like me it wouldn't be my fault.
anyhow. when I'm thinking clearer about it all and gained some more perspective this will all make more sense.
and I'll find a way to blame the squirrels
ok I need to go to the store.
and if they look at my red nose and puffy eyes quizzically I swear I'm gonna give them the finger.