There are good days and there are bad days in the course of any sort of seperation.
This happens to be one of the bad ones.
I didn't sleep well last night, I haven't been sleeping well in general but something abut last night was more unsettling than normal.
I am irrationally crabby. I don't now why but I was ok one minute and then foaming at the mouth at little innocent comments.... I'm worn down and tired of people's crap.
I got a load on unsolicted advice yesterday from my mom.... mom's do that. She was trying to be helpful but really in this case I would like to believe she has no idea what she's talking about. But what if she does. What if this is a collasal waste of my time and energy? I think too much. But at the moment I don't believe just feeling things is the ticket, because look how grossly they have steered me wrong on this one. Maybe I'm just a fool that puts her heart out on platter from people to take a slice of when they need something to nibble on.
I want to be ok with how things are. And a good 75% of the time I am..... but 25% of the time I'm an anxious mess second guessing myself.
I need some big fat glowing neon sign saying "You're doing the right thing."
I need reassurance. And the person I need it from can not give it to me. For the most part the feeling is that there is nothing that person can give me. I desperately want them to do something though I have no idea what that something is.
I'm waiting for a sign. Not possibly empty words.......but of course I won't get that.... hell, I might not even get the words..... I don't want to do the wrong thing. Or apply pressure. Or really do anything. I would like my life to be normal. I lived in the town of Normal, got comfortable, hung my pictures on the wall. And then in came immigration and told me to pack my shit because I had to go.
The terrifying fact of the matter is in the near future I'll be marching back into the dating world with or without him (Today feel more like without than with) and that's not the greatest feeling. It doesn't make me feel anywhere near Normal, and the movers still have my damn furniture.