I slept. I hurt even worse now. This too shall pass I think. I woke up craving a coke.
which as I think back, is weird. I never used to like coke, I was a pepsi girl. it's only been in the past couple of years that I've liked coke. actually not even that long because I gave up soda pretty much all together for awhile there in an effort to loss weight. (which happened though I don't think in the end it was the soda that made the big difference. it was that pack a day habit that gave me that concentration camp look all the girls are striving for. but that is neither here nor there back to my stupid "I drink coke now" story.) ok where was I.... oh drinking unsweetened ice tea because I thought my butt looked like it was the size Texas, anyway lost a lot of weight and thought gee I can have soda again. I ended up betraying my old pepsi for coke and I never looked back... somehow in my mind this story was much more interesting.
Part of me is really annoyed with myself for being so happy that I lost that 40 some odd pounds. Why should it matter so much? Was I really that unhappy when I was a size 11? Was it because I was 145 lbs. that I was unhappy? I don't know.
I'm annoyed with myself that I've fallen victim to the magazine mentality of thinner is better, that I should somehow have hated myself at size 11 because I was a size 11. The sad thing is people really did treat me differently then than they do now. I remember finding a picture of me at 115lbs. when I was at 145, maybe even 150 lbs and showing it to Chris and saying "you remember this? This was when we first met." and him, being him, saying "You were hot then. You need to lose weight." I tried to play it off but it hurt my feelings so badly. Like he at 270 has any room to talk about people needing to lose weight, but he was always 270 and I hadn't always been 145. oh well I guess I showed him.
I wear a size 3 now. sometimes I feel like I should put on some weight, like I'm too skinny, though not as much now as when I did a couple of monthes ago. when I was hovering at 100 lbs. That was just plain scary. looking like the walking dead, hey what do you know....that's not hot. who would have figured? In my defense I never dieted, I just stressed and that's how I lost weight. I didn't make some starvation effort or anything running around going "oh I'm so fat" it was never like that. I just kinda started losing weight. slowly. there was a good six monthes before it was even really noticeable that I had lost weight. People who haven't seen me in a year do shocking double takes. I like how I look now, I feel shallow for saying that. like somehow skinner is better and I'm not saying that. For me personally I like the weight I'm at. I've never been curvy, like ever. I don't have a chest and I never will unless I buy one. I don't really have a waist either, and I'm short. To say I was lucky when I was 145 and didn't look like I was 145 is an understatement, but I knew how much I weighed and what my pants size was and it bothered me.
Do I worry about putting the weight back on? Sure I do. Does it stop me from having a brownie when I want a brownie? No. Nothing stops me from having a brownie if there is a brownie to be had.
Are there people who worry about my weight loss? yes. the best rumor I heard about myself was that I was on speed and that's how I lost so much weight. which cracked me up because I've never even smoked pot let alone done speed. (that was another interesting topic last night how I had never smoked pot, Ruben was convinced I was a stoner. This was after he had gotten over the idea I was goody goody. somehow running into someone inside a fetish club kills any thought of them being a goody goody.)
shit what got me started on this topic in the first place? I can't even remember anymore. anyway this could possibly be the lamest entry on record. I'm debating even hitting done! on this one. who fuckin' cares about the size of my ass anyway? just me. good thing this is my diary huh.