I feel like I've been a horrible friend to those who matter of late.
I don't know where my mind is but I've been in one of those moods where solitude seems nice.
there is a list of people I've been meaning to call, members of my family, friends ect.
Basically I suck.
my attention has been centered for the majority on not going postal at the workplace and banging ut my frustrations on the keyboard trying to make my 40 pages grow into something larger and more substantial.
so to those who love me... I know I suck (Yea D that's you!)
I'm trying to get my ducks in a row or something else lame that could fit in that space.
I'm in this odd headspace that I can't explain. a pocketfull of words and no real way to organize them. Things I've been ignoring acting like if I don't kow about them they can't hurt me seem to be popping up and I need to take care of them. odd how when you see a solution and you just grab a hold of it not really thinking if it's what's best for everyone or even viable. I get things set in my mind that this is how they will be how they will work out but it's maybe not how it is. And then I feel bad. like I've put people in a bad situation, like I'm relying on them too much, so I pull away because I don't want to be burden or anything reslembling one and it seems as if I just wanted them when I needed them. I guess I just don't think sometimes.
I feel the need to be a hermit.
and then there is that other thing (I say that alot when I don't want to be specific don't I) I want it to work out for my own reasons good and bad. it sort of kills my whole hermit thing because it's not exactly solitary.
I don't know, maybe I'm not ready. maybe I still just need to be alone. I don't know.
I'm wasting time worrying about it all when it's all up to me in the end. either I do it or I don't do it. People are saying do it..... but I guess in the end I'm just scared. Not scared that it will go bad, but that it will go well. I know how to deal with bad..... I can handle bad. Good..... well......
this makes me sound like such an unhappy person doesn't it. I'm not unhappy. I'm not even depressed.
I just wouldn't know how to respond. I hate being out of my element. and the opportunity to be way out of my element is there on a silver platter. Do I be brave or do I chicken out?