Whenever I had felt like things were "off", not quite right to utterly and completely destroyed I deal with it the osterich way. Not that osterriches actually put their heads in the sand. But I sleep. I think I should stop sleeping. Everytime I wake up I have this uneasy feeling. My anxiety dreams are completely out of control. I've been having those dreams about school. Where you register but you never go to class and you finally decide to go but you can't remember where the class is, or what time, or what day and if you don't go you'll miss the test. I hate those dreams.
And then there are the dreams about JB. I hate those. I'm sick of him taking up my time be it when I'm sleeping or when I'm awake. If he's not going to talk to me if he doesn't want to be my friend why am I wasting any sort of time thinking about him.
Luckily I don't have dreams about that boy I'm dating... errr going on dates with. How do you really classify that? My roomate says I'm "talking to him" There are moments when I have serious second thoughts about the descion I made. Maybe it was too soon to start dating again. Maybe I should have just kept things as friends and tried to work on the JB situation, though at the time there seemed to be nothing to be done there. It was over, dead, done, in the ground. Or so it seemed... since he won't even speak to me now and pretty much acts like he hates my guts I guess it wasn't so done. If he had told me maybe things would be different. But he didn't. He told me it was done so I was going with it was done. And now I'm in the this other thing which isn't really a thing per say. It's dates. but it's in motion if I turn around now and say you know what, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. I like you and I'm attracted to you but I don't know what I'm doing. Well it would hurt his feelings and he would probably never speak to me again either. And I like spending time with him. We look at each other some times and we just know that we are so somepletely different. Right now it's interesting but there could come a day in the future when it's really irritating. And I miss the other one, not when I'm with the new one. But just in general. Can't talk to HWLT like I could talk to JB. I know it's not going to be the same and I can live with it if I never again have the feeling of "this is the one" because lets face it I was wrong the one time I really did feel that. But I want that feeling that I can talk to someone really talk to them.
Maybe it's better that JB doesn't speak to me it leaves me with minimal choices, I can't go running back to him if he's not there. Which saves me from the rejection, saves HWLT from me hurting his feelings.... and we all march on getting close to what we want but not exactly.
I fucking hate this topic, but honestly it's the only thing I really need to hash out in writing. Everything else is great. Work is tiring but not bad. I'll be glad when Christmas is over. I'm tired of people almost giving birth in the store, kids sticking their hands in the elevator door because their parents aren't watching them, and having to babysit 15 year old punk ass shoplifters but things are pretty much good. I like my boss, I like my co workers, some of the people who work for me I would like to kick in the head but you can't win them all.
Home life is improving. We're all speaking to each other again and we decorated the Christmas tree the other night and things are cool.
So at 26 I have once again come to the conclusion that boys suck. They seem to be raining out of the sky... and they suck.