15 minutes ago I ripped through my house like a madwoman for Julie's number. I found it. She's not home.
and in 15 minutes I went from shaking and crying uncontrollably to nothing. I'm on my own on this one. Sorta half numb like when you get a novacain shot but it's not strgon enough. You can feel movement but not pain. Well I feel a little pain like if I stop moving, stoping thinking, stop doing. It seeps in and pricks behind my eyes. Keep talking, stop thinking, stop thinking, keep breathing. Be one with the ledge.
I can do this.
Can't I? Of course I can, I just have to stop caring.
And I'm sad. Sad about Jason. I like him, but this is never going to work. I'm not capable. I don't know how to be enough. I'm always too much or too little. I don't want to fail him and him hate me someday when I knew all along I couldn't do it I just wanted to pretend like I could. Pretend like I knew how to be a girlfriend. Pretend like I knew how to love someone without it destroying us. Chris knows I don't know how to do any of these things. I suppose I'm lucky he reminded me before I forgot. Before I started to believe what I was pretending. And it's early, Jason will forget about me, and I'll just be some girl to him. That used to be my greatest fear, being just some girl. Some blurred memory on the edge of someone's mind. Now I'm not so sure.
Jason is..... I can't find the word I want. special doesn't fit right. He's either dillsuional or illusional. Sometimes I feel like I made him up because it's too nice, or that this picture he has of me in his mind is all wrong. It's painted to well, with too much skill... this soft focus making me more than I am.
Jay's wrong it's not that I don't know what I want it's that I know I don't deserve it, that I can't take care of it like I should.