Too many nights of not enough sleep are effecting me.
funny how easy it is to fall back onto the path of destruction. Like falling of a log.
I did some bad things and some not so bad things last night.
I'm not who I used to be though. I did figure that out.
so I can't have what I want at the moment. and eventually I'm sure it will all pass and it won't hurt anymore. I could have replaced him in a heartbeat last night. Hell I was right there. Momentary comfort was right at my fingertips. Instead I just sat there over a shared smoke and did nothing. I have the unfortunate task of letting this person down easy now. But I just can't reasonibly start something with someone else when I still have this on my mind. Too much time spent thinking "Well, he's not the one I want." It's not fair to have your mind elsewhere like that.
as for the one I want.
I just don't have the patience for it.
As much as I would like to be there and be what he needs, I can't be. I've never been one to sit and wait. I can't play it cool this time and pretend like I don't care. Pretend like I don't want more than he's willing to give. He just doesn't like me enough. Or isn't willing to show me that he does. I could handle almost anything he could he throw me given a little time, but he decided to throw me everything and then nothing. It was the nothing that was the problem when I think he thought it was the everything that would push me away. I wish him well, if there was anyone who earned a degree from the school of hard knocks it would be him.
The things I could say. But it makes no difference now.
I could play by the the school of "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." But it's not my style. I'm not saying I'm going to go sit in a cave but if it isn't going to make me happy I'm not going to waste my time.
Do I think it would have made me happy if we could have worked things out?
Yes.
But we didn't.
and so goes life.
Do I think it was my only chance at happiness for the rest of my entire life?
No.
Would he have been happy with me?
I have no idea.
Do I think I was what he wanted?
no, not really.
So that's how it is.
Do I regret it?
not a chance.
I let myself be something I hadn't in a long time, and at the right time.
someone told me a few days ago that for awhile there I had let myself get cold in places where I used to be warm.
I never meant to worry anyone.
Funny how you can care about someone you don't really know at all.
I jumped in with both feet. Got in over my head.
and I'm not sorry I did.