Well the D-lander coffee hour didn't quite happen due to unfortune circumstances. Luckily everyone is in one piece.
I'm in this bizarre mood and I'm not entirely sure why. I think it might be because of Christmas but who knows. Christmas in general brings out strange feelings in me, I have this idealized picture of how it should be and it's not how the holidays are at all.
First off. Snow. we don't really have that here though it is starting to get cold. I haven't lived somewhere that it snows in a long long long time and I didn't live there very long so why I have this thing about snow I don't know because in actuality I hate snow. hate it. but Christmas there should be snow. go figure. I'll be getting my snow i think. it'll be a little early but maybe there will be snow when I go to DC. and I'll be pissed off becaus it'll be cold and I'm all wussy.
Second off. Romance. Yea I know that makes little sense but the holidays have always been this sort of romantc time to me though I don't know if I ever even been in a relationship during Christmas time and actually been with that person. I know Chris and I dated over some holiday period possibly 2 years in a row depending if we were on again or off again but I'm pretty sure one of the time if not both he was out of town for the holidays. I think it's the lights.... I have this suckery thing for Christmas lights that I have never been able to explain in any fashion but I love them. the white ones. in trees. outside. I guess I've just seen too many movies.... but they always make me think that you shuld be walking by them and it should be cold and you should be holding hands with someone you really like. I love Christmas lights. a boy wants to make my night on a date we go somewhere where there are those white twinkly lights and I'm all in the soft fuzzy mode. Yea definately too many of those mushy movies which in no way mirror real life in any form or fashion.
I don't know what I'm looking for. something that probably doesn't exist. but I just know that this thing I'm in, whatever it is, with Mumbles ain't doing it for me. we just sat there last night, across from each other at the resturant with nothing to say. I stared off in to the distance for a long time not even being able to bother to feel awkward. it just doesn't matter there is no reason for me to make an effort. at first it was kinda fun seeing someone where it didn't matter if ended because I didn't care. I could just go with the flow like I never could when I was actually interested in someone. but it's not really fun anymore. it's just leaving me all empty. I get more of a thrill in trying to find out where that hot guy I saw the other night works that I do from kissing Mumbles. I really need to end it. call it off. let it die. move on.
I was listening to a CD tonight on my way home I hadn't really listen to in awhile and I found the perfect lyric to put it all in perspective. I am so much better at stealing someone else's word to explain things than I am at coming up with something out of my own brain to make it all clear.
anyhow, so here it is
Girls will be girls they say,
but hey, we sleep together whenever I choose.
You've got no charm, no way, but hey
if you stick around boy, you're bound to get used
and you think
that I care,
but I don't
I think that says it all. Things nit being what I want with Mumbles is mostly my fault I'm holding all this stuff back because I just don't think he'll get it or I can't be bothered to tell him. I'm keeping myself so detached from it all which anyone who knows me could tell you that sooooo unlike me. I jump in head first sink or swim. usually sink. I don't even want to wade. it's too easy. he could really like me, maybe he does really like me and now I understand how guys I've dated in the past felt. when it's not there it's not there you go through the motions, pretend like you're interested but then one day you just snap and you can't take the smiling and nodding anymore and you just quit returning phone calls.
I'm starting to think that every realtionship is bound to be one sided. I'm just usually on the other side. one person really likes the other and the one being liked is just lackidsical about it all. I don't know if I ever been in a situation where things are recprocated. ok maybe for a very short while they are when you're still testing the waters but once minds are made up someone always comes up short. Chris and I could never get it right. we never felt the same things at the same time. I loved him he didn't love me. and when he finally loved me or thought he loved me things were way too far gone. too many horrible things had happened. and I think that's why he loved me, so he could be the tortured soul...... look at what she did to me but I love her. and when I turned around and tried to love him back he didn't love me anymore. the timing was never right. Chris seems to thrive on loving someone that doesn't love him back. he needs that. it's his life story as I know it. everyone before me and everyone after me. he can only love them if they won't love him back. he's caught himself in some sort of no win situation hoping to prove to himself that the impossible can happen. I don't want to be there. I don't want someone loving me that I'll never love and I don't want to love someone that will never love me. I want balance. I want an exchange. I guess that's what everyone wants though.
Everyone wants to be loved by someone they can love.
I wonder how often that really happens though.
Love kinda sucks doesn't it.
I think that's why I was able to let myself get so sucked into that whole Jason thing. it was exactly what I wished for. Love at first sight shit. someone who saw me as something I can't see myself as. I wanted so much for all of that to be real.
I want that feeling of just looking at someone and knowing that it could be something and having them look at me and be thinking the same thing. I think there is something maybe more important than a first kiss or the first time you have sex with someone. the first smile, the relization that they are attracted to you and that you are attracted to them. when you're just sort of looking at each other, thinking about each other and makes you smile. sometimes it happens before you even speak to each other. it's that opening, silently asking someone to come talk to you. I remember so clearly the first time Eric smiled at me it could have been yesterday. I think that might be the only first smile that I remember with anyone. he hit me. entirely on accident on the dance floor and I looked at him and he lookd at me and he apologized and smiled and I smiled and it took me another half an hour to get the courage to talk to him again. I can barely remeber anything about him specifically and yet I remember that. I bet if you could make a first smile last forever then you would have it made. Somehow keeping the thoughts you had when you first saw them those things that made you smile at the across the room or as they were right next to you as the case may be despite whatever bad things you may have learned about them since then everything could somehow work out. Yea, totally high on crack. fully aware.
I don't know what has gotten me in this mood. I don't want to fall in love right now. it's really not what I need. I'm not in a place where I could deal with it anyway but something in the air or in the water has got it nagging at my mind.
I wonder if I've become a horrible pop culture cliche..... "might as well face it, you're addicted to love." and all the freaky model chicks dance in the background. there is soemthing to be said for the rush that a new romance brings. a spring in your step, a giggle on your lips. I know when I'm in grasp of the lust bug I'm obnoxious. I laugh. I giggle. and I talk incessently about said boy who has taken over my life. I become this swooning cartoon version of myself. basically miserable to live with because it makes everyone want to gag. even I can see that I'm being completely lame and yet I can't seem to stop myself. when I like someone I want to be levelheaded, I don't want to go over the deep end but I somehow can't stop myself. I'm an out of control freight train of spring fever.... and I think to the person it's aimed at it becomes this very scary thing. over eager puppies are cute at first and then they are annoying and a pain in the ass.
so maybe for now I'll try to stay levelheaded, cynical and slightly bitter twinged until I figure out where I'm going. I'm going to need my head screwed on straight to be able to see the path. I know it's there somewhere I just have to make it through the underbrush first.
I feel like I have currently run out of things to say and yet I'm still full of words. too much coffee. I could go on and on and on and on, but really I think this has all been a bit excessive as it is. so I'm gonna sleep or something and figure out what to do with Mumbles... and figure out what to wear to work tomorrow and other mundane things that I can handle in the here and now.