well it's not even 11 and I got quite a bit accomplished.
cleaned the house a little.
made pasta salad for the luau.
my roomate comes back today.
he won't be here until after I leave.
which is ok with me.
things aren't bad between us we just don't talk much. I think he knows he is screwing me over and that I'm just a smidge bitter about it. it's just rough, when we moved in we had all these plans about what we were going to do to this apartment ect. and that's all down the hole now since we'll both be moving within the year. I'm glad he's happy and all but he's left a lot of people sorta hanging while he ditched everything to be with her. The biggest is yet to come..... I know what's going to happen and my reaction all depends on how he approaches it. whether he asks me or tells me either way I don't really have a choice in the matter. I'm not gonna leave her hanging, I'm just not that mean.
the temptation to leave the apartment a mess was huge since that's what he did to me last time. but I won't I'll finish the dishes and clean up the bathroom. I already did the living room, not that it was clean when he left but it's only nice to come home to a clean place when you haven't been there for a few weeks.
I've spent the last week figuring out what real friendships are. I wasted so much time in the past trying to be a best friend or have a best friend and now I get how stupid that is. I have a handful of real friends and I'm so grateful for them. I've never been a person who had some huge stable of friends, I dont know why. I'm just that way. I know a lot of people but most of them I wouldn't count as great friends. They are just people I know and see occasionally.
I can feel myself pushing away from the people at work. Even M, or should I say especially M. Something bad happened to her and I didn't even make a huge effort to find out what it was. I feel so damn guilty about it because she's been there for me. But the opportunity to find out just didn't present itself. I'm having a self centered time right now and it's not that I can't deal with whatever it is that she's going through. I'm just focused on me. On the other hand she didn't exactly seek me out to tell me either. she's really angry about a lot of things and I guess for once i just can't relate. Yea I went through that being angry all the time, but I was angry about things that were happening right then. She's just plain angry, angry at people who just are the way they are. People that have nothing to do with her life and when she did see them on a regular basis they still really had nothing to do with her life.
I know she and I should sit down and have a real talk about stuff. Because she'll just end up wasting so much time being miserable. I know I did. I iwhs she could learn from my example but I don't know if it's possible. I certainly couldn't learn from anyone else's example. Hell I'm still learning how to function with out being miserable. I'm not exactly happy but I'm not miserable..... but the absense of that misery leaves me not sure how to act sometimes. without anger and misery I've just become sort of blah. I just coast through until something really hits one of my buttons either happy or sad. the roller coaster days are over. days when I would cry and then laugh and then cry and then laugh have passed for the most part. some days suck and I cry. somedays are good and I laugh, but all the emotions I feel in a month used to be compressed into a day. wow that doesn't make me sound manic or anything......
I know eventually the longer I go on the path I'm on continuous periods of happy will occur and I'm so down with that. getting my happy on is in no way a bad thing.
I hate my job but things are going to change. I'm making a conscious descion to do something with my life. pick a path. make a choice. live better. I'm a little slow on it right now. dipping my toes into the water. but it's better than nothing. I'm not gonna be in this rut forever. I refuse to run on the wheel for the rest of my life because I'm too lazy or scared to explore the rest of the cage.
I dont want to be my roomate. 35 still in a dead end job, sure he's in love and stuff. but what if it doesn't work out the rest of his life is still not what he wants. not even close. I ant to be able to hav a life to fall back on if love never comes my way.
ok that was way to deep for a saturday morning.
I need a shower.
can't wear a dress to a party with my legs looking like a rainforest now can I?