this evening was so incredibly awkard I don't even want to talk about it. So I won't.
I still have a deep sense of something not being something missing. I think it's that I miss the girls. No offense to Julie and Becky, but mostly I miss Sara. partially because I get to see her more often (which is weird because she lives the farthest away) and when she comes to visit she stays with me the longest. I miss nights sitting around eating pickles, peanut butter cups, and baby bel cheese talking about the boys we date and how they are actually aliens from some other planet.... I just miss them all. I was talking about them tonight and the person I was talking to just looked at me blankly. He didn't get it. It's a hard thing to understand without seeing it. I know it makes people feel excluded, but for the most part it's not something we do on purpose. Well Julie, Sara, and I did it to my former roomate on purpose but only because we were afraid of her. I wonder about what will happen when one of us gets into a relationship, like a real relationship. I know Chris gets very upset and frustrated when Sara and I are together because we're pretty much completely focused on each other. which of course means Sara is not paying attention to him.
I think this is why Sara and I have always unconcsciously known to make ourselves scarce when a boy is checking the other one out. As a pair we're too intimidating. That and everyone thinks we're lesbians.
I miss my girls. I miss actually physically being in their prescence. Oddly enough Becky and I are in the same state now and we probably won't see each other while she's here. This makes me sad, I'll will have to make a better effort to at least catch a couple of hours with her over derby weekend... what do ya say, babe? me, you, Jana a lunch away one of the days? possibly?
I just feel like I should be surrounded by people right now.... and I'm not. I'm alone. I held the card Sara sent me up to my cheek like that would somehow make her seem closer, it didn't help. *sigh*
I think I'm just being lame and emotionally overwhelmed because nothing is really wrong.
things are going well.... jason finally made a date. we'll see if he sticks to it. even if he doesn't I'm getting ot the point where I'm not stressing about it and letting it break my heart. work is frustrating but not horrible.....
and yet I feel the incredible urge to cry. like a lot. it must be because I'm sick.... and a little tired... and a lot lonely.but I'll be ok. I'm always ok. 'cept for those times when I'm not