I'm starting to believe the myth that men and women can not be friends. I guess I've been slowly gathering facts on this case over my life time.
To date I am friends with exactly NONE of my ex boyfriends. I used to be friends with one but then he decided it was cool to be in love with one of my best friends, which generally wasn't cool. He wan asshole before that, and that just put him over the top to mega asshole.
It would have still been horrible, but not quite as horrible if he could have acted normal instead of like some lovesick lapdog... which was completely contrary to everything I believed to be true about him. If he could have acted like he and I were still friends instead of this stilled weirdness that happened. Like I wasn't even there and all light in the room was coming from her and he was some helpless moth. It was rather disgusting to me.
He and I both can be quite the emotional terrorists, but it's pretty hard to have an even match when only one of the people cares what the other thinks of them anymore. One person just ends up getting thrashed. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for all the evil thoughts that have run through my head concerning him. As for the friend he's in love with.... don't really know the story there. I do but I don't I should say. I don't think anything would ever happened between them. But then again she seems to look to protect him and defend him more often than is nessecary. What would happen if they hooked up? I don't know. He's made an effort to try to fuck up my friendship with her on a couple of occasions. Just thinking about the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach and I have nightmares about it.
I've been trying hard to think of him benevolently lately. Which is easy to say when he's not in my face. When I think about him everything gets tight, and angry, and upset....... and hurt.
And now I'm wondering if this is what she wants to talk to me about that she somehow changed her mind and wants to give him a chance. I'm not going to tell her not to do it. (Do you hear me?) Cause if it's what she wants to do she should. If it'll make her happy she should. (and when it ends badly I'll supply the booze, because it will end badly, because he's a fuck nut)
And then there is the possibility that I'm jumping to conclusions and being a paranoid, delusional freak. This is probably the more viable option.
And fucking A, why the hell am I crying (again) over a boy I quit loving a long time ago who quit loving me a long time before that (if he ever did to begin with, that ones up for questioning)
Why do I let this get to me? Why do I bother? Why do I care? Why is this upsetting me? What's wrong with me that I have to hold this fucking grudge? My life has moved on these past wounds and scars shouldn't hurt so much. It's over, it's done with. I'm never getting answers. I'm never getting validation. I'm never getting anything. All I have are a bucketful of bad memories and handful of good ones, and the realization that my friendship meant nothing to him. He wa s only half as far as I needed to go. I hope I have the energy to go that last half. I've got to close the book if I'm ever going to start a new one.
What does this have to do with anything? Absolutley nothing. a stand alone moment.
Bet you a shiney nickel this entry is gone by morning.
"I don't know what the story was,
but I want more for both of us,
cause I see everything,
he's got you pinned.
I know it all too well.
because, I've been there before with him."